


long forgotten

by talonyth



Series: Kagehina Week [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 16:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1694258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/talonyth/pseuds/talonyth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kageyama wakes up emotions within Hinata that he thought of as long  forgotten.</p>
            </blockquote>





	long forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> Second day of the Kagehina Week and I'm 15 minutes late with Starbucks. Okay, no but this gave me a headache, kinda. It's really messy and I apologize, I'm not even sure I met the prompt 'natsukashii' or fond memories of times forgotten tbh. I fucked up sighs

“How long has it been, Hinata? That you played?” Kageyama asks him. His voice is still as harsh as ever but there is a certain melancholy in it now that Hinata can't grasp.

“Years. I don't remember how it feels anymore,” he replies lazily. It is not that he wanted to forget but it slips his mind how the fabric of a volleyball feels against his hand as he smashes it on the other side of the net. He doesn't remember what he thought either. By now, it is just a memory of high school days. It has faded and it will vanish eventually. Somehow, Hinata feels like he should be sad but he isn't. He feels bad for it. But he isn't particularly hung up on it.

“Can't... remember...”

Kageyama's voice sounds lower now, almost as if he whispered those words purposely so Hinata wouldn't hear him.

“Yeah. I guess I can understand that stuff Tsukishima used to say back then. About investing yourself but eventually it leads you nowhere. No matter how much you strive or want something, sometimes things just don't go your way. How sometimes it would be better to just take things easy because if you do, you won't be disappointed. You only lose if you are like that.”

Hinata looks down to his feet. His memory flickers and he remembers saying that it is always worth the pain as long as you have the will to fight. Because why else do you stand on court? If not to win.. why else? What a fleeting emotion. He called Tsukishima foolish. But in the end, he has been the foolish one.

A bitter smile is latched onto Kageyama's face now, Hinata notices as he looks up. Kageyama doesn't face him but it is apparent that he seems alienated.

“What happened to you.... just when... did you become like this?”

Now his voice really is just a whisper. It breaks. It sinks. He suffers. But why? After all, it doesn't really affect him, does it? Kageyama is still playing. And he is good. Well, not that Hinata can really tell because he hasn't watched any of his matches yet but the others told him. Tanaka and Nishinoya did. He is proud of Kageyama. But then again, Hinata never doubted that Kageyama would succeed in going pro. He loves volleyball. He lives volleyball. With every fibre of his being. Perhaps there has been a time once when Hinata thought the same. He can't remember.

“When, huh? ...I guess by the time my voice went hoarse and my tears went dry. In between then somewhen. I don't know whether it was closer to former or latter, I should---”

“Don't fuck with me! You talk as if you care shit about what happened!”

Hinata doesn't even flinch at Kageyama's outburst. He blinks calmly as he feels his chest tighten. Maybe he remembers something. A little.

“Don't tell me you fucking forgot about how you gave everything you had! For three years, you've been in a team that mattered to you more than anything else! It was the world to you!”

And it is lower again, the pitch sinks as he speaks, his knuckles not as tightly clutched as before. Whenever Hinata used to feel insecure, it really has always been him who punched him back. Kageyama has always been harsh, his words unforgiving but he never lied. He seems less rude now but his words hit Hinata right in his face. Another well-aimed punch. Hinata swallows down the words he means to say. He can still choose not to remember.

“Weren't you the one who kept saying 'One more!'! Even when it was dark outside, you couldn't even see your own hands anymore but you kept yelling you still wanted to play! You were the one who kept receiving to the point that you felt sick! You were the one who sacrificed his own health just so we could win! This is why this all happened! Because you loved the sport so much that you didn't care if it hurt!”

Yes. Yes, the last match Hinata played, he suddenly remembers even though he doesn't want to but no matter how much he presses it down, it keeps coming back. They had finally moved onto the nationals. They had been lucky but it hadn't been just that. That last year of high school had been their year, Karasuno's. They were strong, they burdened the pride and the will of their upperclassmen on their shoulders. And the last match happened to be against Nekoma. Intense and suffocating. Their match ball. The receive went out of bounds but Hinata didn't want to lose. All those years he had thirsted for this moment, and as he saved the ball from touching the ground, from being their death call, he threw himself on the floor without thinking. Without caring. All he wanted was to win.

They did. They managed after Hinata's save. But he paid the price. He had rolled against a wall and crashed into it, hard enough for him to hurt his back. And it really, really hurt, that he remembers. Nothing fatal but it always followed him. He tried to play after high school but he never excelled again. His movements had become slower because his back remembered. It did. His jumps weren't enough to make up for his height anymore. His knees didn't carry him any longer. And like that, he ended up in a college team but never played a single match. He always watched from the side line. And he grew tired of it. It was frustrating. He remembers. Of course he does. Even if he chooses to forget.

“Don't tell me you would have done this if it didn't mean a fucking thing to you as you pretend to now! Even Tsukishima cared, even back then and you know it!”

It trembles. It shakes.

“Unlike you or him or anyone else, I always, always had to make up for my disadvantages. And now that I don't have the power to do so anymore... who even wants someone like me on their team anymore. You.... can't make up for your disadvantages with passion or will.”

When Kageyama grabs his collar tightly Hinata remembers. He used to do this pretty often. It feels nostalgic. But when he looks at Kageyama's face, there is nothing left of that anymore. He isn't angry. His eyes aren't like they often were back then in high school. He is crying, bitterly so and Hinata feels like crying too. But he can't. Even if Kageyama does.

“You were... the one who said we could do it... no matter how dire or lost the situation is... you said so then why don't you... You... were the only one who thought the same as I did so... why...”

It vanishes like that, his voice. And so does the grip on his collar, the shaking fingers untangling out of the fabric and sinking down painfully slow. Even though Hinata doesn't cry but it hurts. To remember and to admit that, in fact, he never forgot. Not a single thing. He hasn't forgotten how the leather of the ball feels even as he simply holds it in hands. He hasn't forgotten the squeaking sounds of shoes on a freshly polished court. He hasn't forgotten the blood rushing to his head during a match, dimming all sounds and voices that were cheering. He hasn't forgotten how the slaps on his back feel as he scored a point. He hasn't forgotten the prickling feeling in his palm as he smacked a spike so hard that his hand almost felt numb. He hasn't forgotten the burning and aching muscles each morning during a training camp. His heart beats faster and faster with every memory he allows to pass through his mind once more. And even though he feels tears running down his cheeks, they don't feel painful at all. Not like the ones he shed when he got hurt. Not at all like the ones he cried while he was in hospital because he was scared he wouldn't recover. And definitely not like the ones that fell out of frustration that all he could do was watch. So much that he quit. He quit the college team and tried to forget how much he loved the time he played. How he tried to push away how he never ever wanted to leave the court. And most of everything that hurt him during that time, he remembers now very clearly, was how disappointed he was in himself for simply giving up. For admitting defeat. As long as he could play, he should, he thinks now. He remembers this feeling again, for the first time in years and it spreads like a fire within his body.

The tears drop down but he smiles anyway.

“Because I loved it too much,” he simply replies. Now it is his voice that wavers and not Kageyama's who looks up, biting his lip in an attempt to stop crying. It doesn't work and he looks nasty instead. Hinata snorts and Kageyama frowns audibly. It is like before, at least a little.


End file.
